My Identity Crisis Struggle from my Heart
If you have been following me at all, I try to pick a theme for the year. Interestingly enough the theme I wanted to focus on this year was being IN CHRIST. It has been my greatest struggle, to find my identity in Christ, more so this year! I want to give myself a timeline for when I look back on this year and blog. It is summer (August) of 2014, Bryan is working from 8 in the morning to 11-12 at night, Danny is going into first grade and Aaron into kindergarten, I'm babysitting Elijah and Grant Michael, I'm starting to train for a half marathon.
I am going to be so real and honest with what my struggle and heart are working thru. And trust me, IT IS WORKING IT THRU! (No judgement here, right) For all my life I would find 20 (just throwing out a number) people who were better than me (in my estimation), compare them to the 20 different areas in my life, wish I were them, and then become jealous of them. So in my struggle of comparing myself with others, putting myself in that place mentally, I would find my identity in my "friendships", in what others were thinking of me or how I thought they viewed me, and on what I am. Identity Crisis at its worst!!
I have a major Identity Crisis, right, and because of that I sabotage a lot of my relationship. You see, I don't think very highly of myself, and trust me its not the humble kind. In fact I think I probably think too highly of myself that I end up hating all my imperfections, so I begin to hate myself and try to find my joy and fulfillment in my friendships. So because I can never tell what anyone is honestly thinking of me, I'm constantly second guessing them, putting really high expectations on them, and as you can see, sabotaging our relationship. Its bad, I know!! And none of this is on them or their fault, I want to make that very clear!! Its all me! Especially cuz then my ever pressing sin of jealousy steps right in and adds a whole new element to this problem. Sinking me deeper into my insecurities and my comparisons. My husband has been able to see the signs now and very lovingly will point out what I'm doing and that I'm making issues where there is none and to speak truth to myself. WOW!!! Its weird to have that actually said and put out there!
So, at the beginning of this year I started studying Ephesians. Wow, talk about a book that emphasizes living in Christ! I knew that I struggled in this area of my life with being insecure, finding my worth in people and things, hating myself, but it wasn't until I began to study this concept of putting myself in Christ and finding ALL my fulfillment in Jesus, the One who shed His blood for me and died for every sin (all of them!!!), so that I don't have to be insecure, I don't have to compare myself, there is no room for jealousy, and I don't need to depend on others for any satisfaction, that is fleeting anyway!! It wasn't until May, that this really came home to me in my heart. My sister went thru something pretty hard and traumatic, and the way she handled it was the clincher for me. She said to me "I wouldn't be able to function if I don't have my identity in Christ. If I had my identity in my husband, in my kids, in my friends. All that is crashing down around me and what God taught me this year is that I have to put my everything in Him cuz He is my Rock, and when my identity is in Him, I'm going to be ok, and none of that other stuff matters" or something close to that, thats a paraphrase. But it rang so true in my life. I'm a mess of a person cuz I have my identity all mixed up. When I saw that being lived out, what it meant to have my identity in Christ, so much was made clear to me.
So! Now it's identified, it is being called what it really is, sin!! Confess it. Move forward. What now? Change, prayer, scripture memory, and study Ephesians again with a new found purpose for God's Word to speak in my life. And God's amazing, never-ending, abundant Grace being poured out on me as He continues to perfect me. I don't have to be in crisis!! I am SO looking forward to what else God will show me, how He will change me, so stay tuned. I also thank God for the friends and relationships He has given me so far. They have given me so much mercy and grace as I learn and grow in God's Grace!
I put a lot out there. You were made privy to some raw stuff and struggles in my life. Now I ask you for your grace. I am a work-in-progress. God is in the process of changing me and its ugly. I want to be an encouragement to those who might struggle with this. Its real, its life, and with God's help, He will make you better. I'll be keeping you all updated on this growth process, until next time...
I am going to be so real and honest with what my struggle and heart are working thru. And trust me, IT IS WORKING IT THRU! (No judgement here, right) For all my life I would find 20 (just throwing out a number) people who were better than me (in my estimation), compare them to the 20 different areas in my life, wish I were them, and then become jealous of them. So in my struggle of comparing myself with others, putting myself in that place mentally, I would find my identity in my "friendships", in what others were thinking of me or how I thought they viewed me, and on what I am. Identity Crisis at its worst!!
I have a major Identity Crisis, right, and because of that I sabotage a lot of my relationship. You see, I don't think very highly of myself, and trust me its not the humble kind. In fact I think I probably think too highly of myself that I end up hating all my imperfections, so I begin to hate myself and try to find my joy and fulfillment in my friendships. So because I can never tell what anyone is honestly thinking of me, I'm constantly second guessing them, putting really high expectations on them, and as you can see, sabotaging our relationship. Its bad, I know!! And none of this is on them or their fault, I want to make that very clear!! Its all me! Especially cuz then my ever pressing sin of jealousy steps right in and adds a whole new element to this problem. Sinking me deeper into my insecurities and my comparisons. My husband has been able to see the signs now and very lovingly will point out what I'm doing and that I'm making issues where there is none and to speak truth to myself. WOW!!! Its weird to have that actually said and put out there!
So, at the beginning of this year I started studying Ephesians. Wow, talk about a book that emphasizes living in Christ! I knew that I struggled in this area of my life with being insecure, finding my worth in people and things, hating myself, but it wasn't until I began to study this concept of putting myself in Christ and finding ALL my fulfillment in Jesus, the One who shed His blood for me and died for every sin (all of them!!!), so that I don't have to be insecure, I don't have to compare myself, there is no room for jealousy, and I don't need to depend on others for any satisfaction, that is fleeting anyway!! It wasn't until May, that this really came home to me in my heart. My sister went thru something pretty hard and traumatic, and the way she handled it was the clincher for me. She said to me "I wouldn't be able to function if I don't have my identity in Christ. If I had my identity in my husband, in my kids, in my friends. All that is crashing down around me and what God taught me this year is that I have to put my everything in Him cuz He is my Rock, and when my identity is in Him, I'm going to be ok, and none of that other stuff matters" or something close to that, thats a paraphrase. But it rang so true in my life. I'm a mess of a person cuz I have my identity all mixed up. When I saw that being lived out, what it meant to have my identity in Christ, so much was made clear to me.
So! Now it's identified, it is being called what it really is, sin!! Confess it. Move forward. What now? Change, prayer, scripture memory, and study Ephesians again with a new found purpose for God's Word to speak in my life. And God's amazing, never-ending, abundant Grace being poured out on me as He continues to perfect me. I don't have to be in crisis!! I am SO looking forward to what else God will show me, how He will change me, so stay tuned. I also thank God for the friends and relationships He has given me so far. They have given me so much mercy and grace as I learn and grow in God's Grace!
I put a lot out there. You were made privy to some raw stuff and struggles in my life. Now I ask you for your grace. I am a work-in-progress. God is in the process of changing me and its ugly. I want to be an encouragement to those who might struggle with this. Its real, its life, and with God's help, He will make you better. I'll be keeping you all updated on this growth process, until next time...
Jerelyn--I knew I wanted to read this again and I have. In fact, I would like to refer to it again in the future. You have given the reader, including me, a lot to think about. In fact, you have drawn a conclusion that each one of us needs to reach if we are going to be truly content. This is not to say it is easily attainable. It is indeed a lifelong focus and effort to find our self-worth in the One who created life itself. I know it was very hard to put this in writing and I know that it is NOT EASY to open yourself up for ever present criticism. That you had the courage to write in spite of the pitfalls that disclosure brings, is what I want to thank you for today and always. We love you and your "realness" is one of your most beautiful attributes.
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