Catch Up: When the Unexpected Happens Part 2
I'm finally able to talk about all of it, all that God has worked through my heart up until this point--all the ugly, all the hurt, all the good, and all to His glory! My story isn't finished, but let me catch you up.
I hurt! And I hurt bad with the loss. I had opened my heart up to a new life, a new love. This baby was precious to me already. I struggled through understanding what God was doing. Would He give us life only to not allow that life to develop? But I never questioned why. I had grappled through the sovereignty of God when we got pregnant, so it was easy to move that thought process over to apply to this. I understood that what God does, doesn't always make sense or meet up with my plans, at least I thot I understood this concept. Coming to grips that this baby was never mine, that in fact none of my kids are, was also something that became real to me. That reality is a hard reality to accept as they feel so much mine, but learning to live in light of the fact that God loves them more than I do and that He has more control of their lives, is learning to let go and give that control up. Keep in mind that this is control that I never really had in the first place.
So as I continued on with life, I wanted everything to go back to normal. I wanted people to forget and not forget at the same time. I was good to talk through it, but I also wanted to move on. I would cry in my car for hours as i would work through the grid of truths and feelings. I just wanted to stop feeling. I wanted me and my husband's relationship to go back to normal and not be tainted with this loss. I wanted to stop being so fragile. So, my heart started to close. I just didn't want to deal with the reality of what my body went through, and so I didn't notice my cycle starting again. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want another baby because I didn't what to open my heart up. I didn't want to go through loss; I didn't want change. Up went the wall. So, as you can see, I wasn't REALLY believing any of the things I thought I had worked through!!
At the end of November we found out we were expecting again!! AGAIN! I blamed myself as I wasn't paying attention to my body. And with this pregnancy came a whole host of fears! I could go into the next 12 weeks, but what I really want to emphasize is what God has been doing in my heart. God has showed me so much of my heart and its true ugliness. There are just some things that you have to work out between you and God before they are shared. Right when we got back from Ecuador, we started gathering as a Missional Community (MC) on Saturday nights and we started to work through the 4G's, 4 truths about God that can be applied to just about every sin and unbelief in your life. The first one is the one that I want to talk about cuz it really wrecked me. The first truth as seen in all of scripture is this: God is great, so I don't have to be in control!
When we found out we were pregnant again, I knew I had a wall up. I was so cold to the fact that I had a life growing inside of me that I couldn't make it past the 10 week mark in my mind. I didn't want to get hurt again, and I didn't trust God to give me a full term baby. I felt like He was going to take it away again. I thought, if I don't get attached, it won't hurt so much. And yet, I had so much fear because I knew I couldn't control any part of the outcome. So, graciously, Bryan started helping me work through this truth: God is great, so I don't have to be in control. Through MC and Bryan, I came to the realization about the unbelief in my heart. You see, if you truly do believe something, your life will show it, you will live accordingly. What you do flows out of what you believe and what you worship. So, if I truly believe that God is great, then I don't have anything to worry about. I can fully trust that, because God is great, He cares for me, He is in control, and I don't have to worry about the future, whether it be the next minute or years from now. I had to come to grips with the fact that by my fear and worry, I was not believing that God is great, and that I was sinning against God by putting myself in place of God because I was wanting to be in control!! Putting myself in the place of God for fear that He wasn't in control is blasphemy! Through this ugly truth and the realization of the unbelief in my heart, the Holy Spirit led me to see my need of repentance. And the truth of the matter is, no matter the outcome, loss or full term, nothing changes this truth... God is great, so I don't have to be in control!! HE IS FAITHFUL!
We have made it to week 13, and I know that God is far from being done His work on my sinful heart. But I am thankful for this time, this lesson. If I hadn't experienced this form of hurt, I would never have known the state of my unbelieving heart. I would have never known my struggle with worry, or at least viewed it in light of blasphemy. There is so much more to be said about this process but this is just a tid-bit of what is going on. We are excited about this new life, and all that God has planned for it. By His grace, we continue on this journey.
I hurt! And I hurt bad with the loss. I had opened my heart up to a new life, a new love. This baby was precious to me already. I struggled through understanding what God was doing. Would He give us life only to not allow that life to develop? But I never questioned why. I had grappled through the sovereignty of God when we got pregnant, so it was easy to move that thought process over to apply to this. I understood that what God does, doesn't always make sense or meet up with my plans, at least I thot I understood this concept. Coming to grips that this baby was never mine, that in fact none of my kids are, was also something that became real to me. That reality is a hard reality to accept as they feel so much mine, but learning to live in light of the fact that God loves them more than I do and that He has more control of their lives, is learning to let go and give that control up. Keep in mind that this is control that I never really had in the first place.
So as I continued on with life, I wanted everything to go back to normal. I wanted people to forget and not forget at the same time. I was good to talk through it, but I also wanted to move on. I would cry in my car for hours as i would work through the grid of truths and feelings. I just wanted to stop feeling. I wanted me and my husband's relationship to go back to normal and not be tainted with this loss. I wanted to stop being so fragile. So, my heart started to close. I just didn't want to deal with the reality of what my body went through, and so I didn't notice my cycle starting again. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want another baby because I didn't what to open my heart up. I didn't want to go through loss; I didn't want change. Up went the wall. So, as you can see, I wasn't REALLY believing any of the things I thought I had worked through!!
At the end of November we found out we were expecting again!! AGAIN! I blamed myself as I wasn't paying attention to my body. And with this pregnancy came a whole host of fears! I could go into the next 12 weeks, but what I really want to emphasize is what God has been doing in my heart. God has showed me so much of my heart and its true ugliness. There are just some things that you have to work out between you and God before they are shared. Right when we got back from Ecuador, we started gathering as a Missional Community (MC) on Saturday nights and we started to work through the 4G's, 4 truths about God that can be applied to just about every sin and unbelief in your life. The first one is the one that I want to talk about cuz it really wrecked me. The first truth as seen in all of scripture is this: God is great, so I don't have to be in control!
When we found out we were pregnant again, I knew I had a wall up. I was so cold to the fact that I had a life growing inside of me that I couldn't make it past the 10 week mark in my mind. I didn't want to get hurt again, and I didn't trust God to give me a full term baby. I felt like He was going to take it away again. I thought, if I don't get attached, it won't hurt so much. And yet, I had so much fear because I knew I couldn't control any part of the outcome. So, graciously, Bryan started helping me work through this truth: God is great, so I don't have to be in control. Through MC and Bryan, I came to the realization about the unbelief in my heart. You see, if you truly do believe something, your life will show it, you will live accordingly. What you do flows out of what you believe and what you worship. So, if I truly believe that God is great, then I don't have anything to worry about. I can fully trust that, because God is great, He cares for me, He is in control, and I don't have to worry about the future, whether it be the next minute or years from now. I had to come to grips with the fact that by my fear and worry, I was not believing that God is great, and that I was sinning against God by putting myself in place of God because I was wanting to be in control!! Putting myself in the place of God for fear that He wasn't in control is blasphemy! Through this ugly truth and the realization of the unbelief in my heart, the Holy Spirit led me to see my need of repentance. And the truth of the matter is, no matter the outcome, loss or full term, nothing changes this truth... God is great, so I don't have to be in control!! HE IS FAITHFUL!
We have made it to week 13, and I know that God is far from being done His work on my sinful heart. But I am thankful for this time, this lesson. If I hadn't experienced this form of hurt, I would never have known the state of my unbelieving heart. I would have never known my struggle with worry, or at least viewed it in light of blasphemy. There is so much more to be said about this process but this is just a tid-bit of what is going on. We are excited about this new life, and all that God has planned for it. By His grace, we continue on this journey.
Wow! So well written! I cried through this post - happy and sad tears! Thanks for being so open and honest! Love you, Jeje! And can't wait for August!!
ReplyDeleteYou wrote this so well. It's beautiful. So clear and real. Thankful God is holding you and you are glorifying him. Thanks for writing this
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ReplyDeleteLove this, Jeje! Brought tears to my eyes - praising the Lord for His grace in your life! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteNot sure why this put me as "unknown," but that was from Lisa :)
DeleteReading this has brought that time frame of loss back into my view, too. It was very hard for those of us who love you and your family deeply to watch the four of you accept new life, only to lose it so abruptly early on. God is there for us through every twist and turn, but you have demonstrated through your words that we have to choose to be pliable to the ways he reveals himself and carries us. We all have that ugly human heart that needs to renew all the time. Love you my daughter-in-law.
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