Enough, even on Sunday

Enough.  "I am not enough!"  I am not enough is a lie that runs rampant through our churches, our schools, our relationships, our work, our home life, our marriages, our parenting, and it is one that I struggle to fight every day.  Why?  Why is this lie so hard and one we so readily believe?  Because we want to feel more valuable?  We have a desire to be in control?  We want to measure up to someone else or someone else's standard?  We feel pressure to fit in?  I'm going to open myself up and let you into a day that this lie is the hardest to fight.  Oh Sunday!  This is a day where most people have off work (not everyone, I understand) and most people enjoy the day with their family.  It is a day where in my circle, people go to church to worship with the body.  Most people come away fed and encouraged, whether they served or consumed, they feel good about themselves.  But Sunday, for me, is a very different story (now this is not every Sunday, but it is one that happens more often than I would like it to):

Sunday is a work day for my husband, and in turn me, as we strive to work as a team, so its already different than most.  It starts with me trying to get up early in the morning to get ready for the day, sometimes I succeed and sometimes I'm rushing around in a frazzled mess.  That is when the lies begin in my head.  I don't have anything to wear, nothing fits me right anymore... I don't look good enough to go worship.  We rush out the door to try to make it to Sunday School on time, after I have yelled at the boys for forgetting to eat breakfast, do something with their hair, or match their clothes correctly and have probably spent too much time getting Adelyn to look "just right"... I'm not patient, compassionate, loving, or gracious enough as a mother.  Once at the church building and going through the morning programs, I'm met with all the needs in our church body and the holes needing filled in our programs... I'm not able or enough to meet the needs.  During worship I look across the room and see people I need to connect with or am reminded of a person/circumstance I need to pray for... I'm so forgetful and inadequate to be what people want or expect from me (I'm not enough).  My heart is far from worship as I look down at what I'm wearing and feel the eyes on me, judging whether I look good, look fat, look the part, look appropriate, or look ugly that day... I can't meet all the standards or expectations, I'm not enough.  As the sermon goes on I'm reminded about who God is and His love for me but it falls on deaf ears as the voices in my head get louder.  "I'M NOT ENOUGH!!"  I'm not fit to lead these teen girls when I have the same struggles, feeling like a hypocrite!  The lies get stronger still as I watch the fellowship after the service... I'm not a good enough friend.  Oh the ugliness in my heart!

We head home for a short afternoon as Daddy has meetings and I so desperately want to relax and figure out a way to feel better about myself.  Some afternoons are great and others are filled with Mommy yelling and frustrated that things aren't going my way or wanting control over whatever the situation might be... I'm not a good enough mother, I'm not what my kids need.  We have an evening service, more of the same stuff as the morning, and I head home defeated.  Torn down.  Weary.  I go to bed tired, feeling beaten down, because I'm the one who has been doing the beating, believing the lies that I'm not enough.  And for the first time in the day, I turn my heart to Jesus, and cry.

In the quiet of the night, I begin to hear the still small voice of Jesus speaking to my heart, "Why did you try to do this day without me?  Don't you know that I'm enough?  I'm all you need!  I sent my Son to die on the Cross so you wouldn't have to carry the load you carried today.  I'm enough to bear all the weight, all the expectations you put on yourself, all the body hating and judgement, all the things you want control over, and I'm enough to love and care for you."  I'm confronted with the truth of the day, that I'm not enough, BUT HE IS!!  He is enough because He bore it all for me.  Why do I so desperately want to take His place?  Oh this evil sin in my heart.  What I really needed today was more of Jesus, and less of myself.  I have made this day so much harder by trying to do it my way.  Because of what Jesus has done there is hope and grace.  There is grace found in forgiveness that He gives so freely, and then hope for a new day, a new start, a new beginning!  So I seek His face, I dry my tears, and pray for the truth to penetrate my heart and life, that He is great and glorious and good and gracious.