I Feel Out of Control

It's a cold spell. We had a long weekend of being cooped up in the house. The kids were off school and we had good family time. I've had something on my heart for awhile now, struggling through some anxiety, the kind of anxiety that stops you in your tracks, that grips you with fear, sends chills down your spine, you go into a cold sweat, the kind of fear and anxiety that paralyzes you. I've had many nights of tossing and turning, restless, sleepless nights, leaving me breathless and sick feeling. This weekend I finally voiced my fears to my husband and they went something like this:

I keep having dreams, visions, feelings, and thoughts of something happening to our kids. I have a deep rooted fear of losing my children, the lives that mean the most to me, the gifts that we were given to nurture and care for, to protect, guide, lead, and disciple. I fear someone grabbing them while we are out of the house, I fear someone taking them when I have my back turned, I fear someone tricking them to follow them, I fear any number of scenarios that you can imagine  that have most likely happened and are very real for the world we live in today. This fear grips me like no other. This fear drives us to talk with our kids about safety, about "stranger danger", it makes us be proactive in having a plan, and work at being observant of things, people, and our surroundings. But I think where MY fear comes in is, the things I don't have control over! The scenarios that I have prepped for and something happens anyway. Not having control. The funny thing with fear is that when it's kept to yourself, it festers and grows, which is where I have found myself this weekend. I knew my fear was getting out of control and needed help to think through it with a gospel lens.

My biggest struggle with going to Jesus with my fear was knowing that if God willed something to happen, that it would, and because it was God's will, it would be good. And I couldn't wrap my head around how something happening to my kids would be a good thing. It was that frame of thinking that I entered into conversation with my husband. Side note: If you have had any kind of a conversation with my husband then you know that his understanding of the gospel and view of Christ is spot on. Of course, he is human so I'm not saying he is perfect in this but he does have a good grasp and understanding of how to think and process through the gospel or life biblically. So he graciously and kindly reminded me of the story of Joseph. Quick sum-up, Joseph was sold by his own brothers into slavery, his father lost Joseph. In the eyes of his father this was not good, this was hard, this was deep rooted loss and mourning. BUT as the story plays out, God never lost control, nothing surprised Him, and He got the glory thru Joseph's life and saved His people, all the time giving us a picture of Jesus, the One who will be our ultimate Savior. I'm not saying that my story or even my kids story will be that of Josephs but it was an encouragement to my heart to remember that God's will and perspective is not mine and He does love us and is watching over us. He has not lost control! And by faith I believe that he holds me and cares for me. This leads me to the next story in the Bible that has moved me from fear to trusting.

The story of Jacob in Genesis is one you should read. Events in Jacob's life lead him away from his family and homeland to a man named Laban. This man's dealings with Jacob are unfair to say the least as he served him 20 years. But Genesis 31:11-12 an angel of the Lord speaks with Jacob and says "Here I am! ... I have seen all that Laban is doing to you." There is a lot of context there that you need to read but as this story came to bear light on my heart I was reminded that God has not forgotten me. He sees me and knows me. He is for me. That in my fear and anxiety over something I don't have control over, God still does!! That God is about His glory and He chooses to use us to bring that about. That the way I was viewing life, losing my kids being the worst thing that could happen, was putting this infinite, All-knowing God in a box. My fear was telling Him that I didn't trust His ways but that I knew best. Repentance!! And Faith!

I still have moments of fear, but that jump to faith and trust is much shorter as I think on the God of Joseph and Jacob. God's Word is alive because the God of Joseph and Jacob is the same God that is working and moving today. He cares for me and loves me the same as He always has cared and loved His people, so I can say that God's will is GOOD! What a GREAT God!